Why love?

Some smart arse told me the other day, "Bobby, you've had about as many lovers as my fridge." Given that this smart arse was once found in a curious position with a packet of sandwich ham, I can guarantee that I have had more lovers than his fridge. But I sat back in my favourite seat in the "The Cupped Ball" - which is no easy task on a bar stool - and thought about all the women I have known: the laughs, the tears and the knee tremblers. From Aada to Zufu (and even Beryl), they have all left a mark on my heart... or teeth marks on my ankles. Each time I think about my loves in my life I remember a long forgotten moment: like when I was in Valencia with Janet Copperbottom and we spent the whole day sharing a toilet after some dodgy paella. This is a tribute to all those who were and are so close to my heart.

NB: I will not allow any DNA samples to be taken to certify that I am the father of a child. That's not my game. My seed is precious and I have yet - in my opinion - to sire an heir to the Beamer legacy. Any claims should be sent through my solicitor, C.C. De'Ablo of Chorley, Lancs.