Lines: February 2004 Archives

There is about as much chance of me being a virgin as there is of there being an eighth day in the week, but this is a great to line to use when you are with an older woman. Believe me, they want to educate. Not only that, there is nothing like keeping their expectations low before you dazzle with them with moves and thrusts not seen since Travolta won the dance off. It"s simple advice, but worth a go.

When I was slightly younger, and a little more foolish, I tried to reach the window ledge of a girl called Shirley. Just as I was about to about to leave a token of my love (after I watched her undress and dance along to a hit by The Nolan Sisters) I slipped and fell some thirty feet onto a shed roof. Landing like a belly flop onto the mossy shed-top, I slid down the roof and fell head first into some railing. I am not sure whether it was the moss, or whether it was the hair product that I was using at the time, but somehow my head became wedged between two iron railings. In the fall I had not only lost my footing and my dignity, but I also managed to lose my trousers. This was just the end of another bad day. While I knelt, half naked, knees covered in moss and my head clamped between two railings I decided to write a song. It"s dedicated to Shirley Baluga...

'The Slippery Shoes Blues' - a Country"n"Western ballad.

I"ve stood on highest branch in the highest tree

To watch you and make some memory

Of the greatest gal in the whole goddam town

My luck seemed to pass as my feet gave way

And I dropped to the floor, passin" your dad on the way

I was fallin" from greatest gal in the town

He was reading the paper as I passed by

I kinda waved as I caught his eye

And I noted the resemblance of my gal from the town

Funny how I passed your mother too

Playing with the milkman, I think you knew,

I"m sorry to break it to you...the greatest gal in the town.

They were only making cakes and covered in flour

You don"t see much travelling at fifty miles an hour

From the greatest gal in the whole goddam town

Now, I knew you were from a family of four

I wondered how I"d see your brother before I hit the floor

The greatest gal in the whole goddam town

Well, I hit the roof, the railings too and didn"t scream

I just looked to God and told Him this was mean

To keep me from my gal in the town.

Half naked, head down, with my ass all red,

As your brother shoots pellets at me from his bed

Now, I"ve met the family of the greatest gal in the town.

One day, I will finish this song. I was rescued from the fence before I had a chance to complete it. Perhaps if I meet Shirley again, I"ll have the inspiration.

Once I sat listening to an annoying late night phone in on a local radio near Skelmersdale. The discussion was all about flying sauces, UFOs and little green men. The listeners had to listen to a so called expert, Edward Lorringthwaite, discuss the day that he was abducted while standing on the railway station platform at St Helens Central. This is such a ridiculous story as, and everyone knows this, the only abduction that has taken place at a rail way station in the area was in Prescott. It was a good friend of mine, Rocky Thomas, who claimed to have been abducted by strange beings whose bright flashing blue lights blinded him. He can remember nothing of what happened while he was abducted, but - somehow - a judge passed a sentence on him. He had to pay £400 fines for drunken behaviour, calling policemen names and trying to urinate on a power line.

When I got on the radio and told the story, I was asked if I believed in UFOs and little green men, I said, 'No, but I have seen a dwarf dressed up in bondage gear standing on Preston Station platform trying to assault a friend who he had zipped into a large holdall.'

No matter where I have lived - London, the north West of England, Scotland or Cairo - I have been known for many of my lines. Whether a line to attract a young lady to my table of love or a sarcastic put down. I must thank two people for keeping notes and cataloguing these lines for me: Johan Calme and Jim Strang. Feel free to use them whenever you want, but keep a note of how many times you use them as I am considering some sort of copyright system.